The Power of Prayer and Resurrection Life

(Disclaimer: I wrote this 12 years ago on my Facebook page)

I have a confession to make. It is one I am not ashamed to say but one that others may shame me for saying: My God is the Jesus of the Bible who healed the sick and raised the dead. I have spent the past few months being encouraged in this Truth. Nothing could take this belief away from me … but something was going to try.

I am the proud sister of Jennifer Lynn Walk, whose husband CJ Walk suffered from Cystic Fibrosis all his life. On August 17th, 2010 I received a call from my sister Christina that Jennifer wanted everyone to go to the Phoenix  hospital and say their goodbyes to CJ. He was dying.

I was sad but still hopeful. I mean, I believe in Jesus who can raise people from their deathbeds and restore the dead to life! I prayed believing in this God, along with my husband and stepdaughter. We truly believed Christ for a miracle.

CJ fought for longer than anyone expected and I had to get back into town to go to work. My husband, stepdaughter and I got to see him one last time. We prayed once again, he told us that he loved us and I can never forget his last words to us, “I’ll see you soon!” I knew that these words would be true either way. If he were healed we would see him soon when he got home but also if he were to pass away we would see him soon in heaven. So my immediate family left back home and waited for the reports of his health.

I had genuine faith but it was being greatly shaken. I was just so sad hearing reports saying he was doing bad and they thought he could die at any moment. I was alone in the shower and just crying and praying. I told God I wanted him to live. I told Him I believed he could heal Cj and that I knew He was willing to heal him.

But I just didn’t know what to pray any longer. So I asked Jesus to give me tongues. I told God that I wanted Him to pray through me. I wanted our words to be as one. And I kept repeating that over and over. I told Him I didn’t want to think I was moving my mouth or even thinking of the words at all or else I wouldn’t know if it was really Him speaking or me.

Before I knew it my mouth was moving lightning fast and the words didn’t make sense to me. I wanted to make sure this was the real thing so I tried to stop it to see if it was just me making it up but I couldn’t stop. Jesus really answered me and the Holy Spirit was really praying through me. So I just continued and thanked God for it. I had wanted to speak in tongues for a long time and this was my break through. I had a peace about CJ that I knew only came from Christ and I felt great. My tongue was still tingling for the rest of that day!

On August 20, 2010 I was told that CJ was doing very well. He wanted to eat, text and talk to people. My other brother-in-law, Fausto, was with him the whole time as CJ ministered to one after another of his family and friends. It was truly a miracle for many to speak to him this one last time. I was encouraged by this and continued to pray for a complete healing for CJ.

The next day I received another bad report. CJ was once again not doing well and they were expecting him to pass away at any moment. His wife, my sister Jennifer, said her goodbyes to him and Fausto remained by his side until he finally breathed his last breath.

When I received the call that he passed away I was devastated. I truly hoped in Christ to heal him, or even raise him from the dead. I was truly disappointed and I cried. I was sad for my sister, my family, his family and all around him who would miss him. Even though I knew CJ was with Jesus in Heaven, completely healed, I wanted God to do His will “on earth as it is in Heaven” and completely heal him here!

I asked God question after question and I needed answers. I needed to know why He didn’t heal CJ. I didn’t want some religious mumbo jumbo. I wanted the Truth and I wanted it from Him. I told Jesus, “But CJ said that he would see us soon!” because I wanted to believe it would be soon again on earth rather than soon again in Heaven. I was discouraged but I still had faith in Christ. “Let God be true and every man a liar.” I wasn’t about to say He wasn’t willing or able to heal CJ. I was just left to say to God, “I don’t know why but I want you to answer me!”

At his funeral a few people spoke about CJ and how he impacted so many peoples lives. It was so heartwarming to see. I listened to what these people had to say and couldn’t help but try to hold back tears. It was at this ceremony God saw fit to answer my questions.

TJ Terry performed the eulogy and I heard so clearly his words. He said that CJ wanted to go home to be with Jesus and that he felt satisfied with his life’s accomplishments. He just didn’t want to leave behind so many loved ones and I believe that is why he fought for so long.

This helped me understand a little more clearly. I believe that Christ does want us to live out our days until we are satisfied and that death shouldn’t be something that has dominion over us, because Jesus conquered it, but it is a way to bring us to Christ in Heaven. Now, I didn’t know before that CJ felt satisfied and wanted to be with His Savior but now I did. My faith was built up even more.

TJ also said that death for the believer isn’t “Goodbye” it is “I’ll see you soon!” That was the clincher for me! I knew that CJ did want to go to his heavenly home and his comfort to us was that we would see each other again soon in that place. Jesus had answered my questions and comforted my heart but He still wasn’t done.

After the funeral some of my family went over to my sister Jennifer’s house to eat, swim and talk. Many of the kids wanted to swim and go down the slide in the pool so my sister wanted me to be in the pool with the kids, along with my husband and cousin Amanda. We were watching the kids and looking toward the slide when Amanda’s husband called out “Amanda!” She turned around and saw a kid face down floating in the water. She grabbed him and yelled for help. It was her sister, my other cousin, Jessica’s youngest boy Andy.

Thank God that friends of the family Ramiro and Deedra were there to perform CPR on Andy. But even after a few compressions and mouth-to-mouth Andy wasn’t coming to. It didn’t look good but they kept doing CPR as the paramedics were on their way. All around I could see my family and friends laying their hands on him and praying for Jesus to heal him and make him breathe. I, too, was praying for him in the new gift of tongues that God had given me. He finally emerged and they turned him over to cough up all the water.

They rushed him to the hospital and we were all still praying that there would be no brain damage. We were writing the police reports and waiting for news about Andy, who is coincidentally the Godson of my sister Jenna and the late CJ. We finally heard that he was completely okay. It was a miracle!

However, I was traumatized for the rest of that day! I mean, there was a kid drowning right behind me and my cousin and we didn’t even notice. He was not in the pool with us and no one came in with him. No one noticed this little boy until Amanda’s husband shouted to her.

It was scary and although I knew Andy was now fine I wanted an answer. So I asked God why? Why at a funeral does a little boy, CJ’s Godson, drown and almost die? I heard my own reasoning in my head but I said that it wasn’t good enough. Then Jesus answered and said, “I wanted to show that I can still raise someone from the dead!”

The truth was that, technically, Andy was “dead” for a period of time. He wasn’t breathing. We didn’t think he was going to make it. But Jesus performed a miracle, using our dear friends Ramiro and Deedra, and breathed life back into Andy’s little lungs. Not only did the Holy Spirit revive him, He also allowed him to suffer no long-term damage.

Christ’s answer still didn’t explain the whole circumstance and the why’s of everything that happened. But He spoke what He wanted into my life and all that was needful for me to know at the time! The Holy Spirit showed me that the God I believed in, the Jesus of the Bible, still heals people and still raises the dead!

The Worship of Martyrdom and the Lesser of Two Evils

There are some American Christian voices who sound downright joyful at the thought of society succumbing to irreversible immorality. They go through painstaking processes using many vacuous words to justify their inability to act to stop the threats to the life and liberty of their literal neighbors. They have a need to see the destruction of religious freedom in America, as without it they will fail to become the martyrs they long to be.

What has caused this worship of martyrdom? It has a pretense of being Christ-like. 

“Wasn’t He crucified unjustly?” 

“Isn’t that what taking up our cross and following Him means?”

Is it?!

Jesus died, not merely because of His beliefs: He died to redeem us. His blood was the only Way to reconcile us to the Father.

Is this what Jesus asked us to replicate when He told us to carry our cross and follow Him? Does our blood have the same redemptive powers? Do we need to redo the reconciliation He already did?

When Jesus spoke of His death He said this:

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 15:13)

His death, according to Him, was a sacrifice for us, not one He was making for refusing to recant His “beliefs”. 

So what does taking up our cross and following Jesus actually mean for us today? 

Being willing to lay down our life for others! 

This can be because we are bringing them the Gospel in dangerous areas. This can be by leaping in front of a bullet for them. It can be by joining the armed forces and fighting to keep us all free. And it can be using our voices and influence to speak up for those who are being annihilated or abused, no matter what persecution is thrown at us because of it. 

How can a Christian American justify not standing up for the unborn slaughtered in abortion? How can one reconcile voting for a candidate who supports abortion, or conversely, not voting for a candidate who is pro-life and has enacted policies for and spoken forcefully for the life of the unborn?

Those who abstain claim “The lesser of two evils is still evil.” 

Really? Seems pretty clear to me that murdering innocent children in the womb is evil and calling for an end to that is good.

“But there are character defects in the pro-life candidate.”

So, it’s not really about anyone being “evil” then, is it? It’s about two imperfect candidates vying for our votes. And one is promoting an evil practice while the other is campaigning to stop the evil. 

To abstain or choose the one promoting the evil practice simply because the pro-life candidate has character flaws is not Christian at all. Can you imagine an Israelite saying they would rather have Jezebel than David because David committed adultery? 

This is what leads me to believe that the only reason some would choose to take a what they feign to be a “moral high ground” is because they yearn for the ground itself it become so fertile with immorality that it will produce those who will make them a martyr. Martyrdom is the goal. It is the highest calling to such people. It is not about laying down their lives for others, but rather for themselves, and for the esteem they expect to receive in Heaven, or the esteem they imagine will be held by those they leave on this earth. 

This is the same type of reasoning that suicidal people have. “When I’m gone they will finally see how important I was. They will realize their errors. They will regret having wronged me.”

It’s self-love. It’s pride. It’s anything but Christ-like.

Did you know that the blood of aborted children cry out to God?

“And [God] said, ‘What have you done? The voice of your brother’s blood cries out to Me from the ground.’ (Genesis 4:10)

Did you know that God will hold us accountable for what we knew and what we did with what we knew in regards to our most vulnerable neighbors?

“But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet, and the people are not warned, and the sword comes and takes any person from among them, he is taken away in his iniquity; but his blood I will require at the watchman’s hand.” (Ezekiel 33:6)

The blood is crying out to the Father. Let it not be on our hands.

Come Back Home

The other night while I was praying I didn’t want to ask God for anything, I just wanted to know how He was doing, and what was on His mind. So I asked Him to reveal to me what is going on with Him…

The next morning when I was scrolling on Facebook I came across a story where parents had their 4 year old child taken from them by CPS simply because a doctor had recommended a certain treatment for the child and the parents didn’t agree or follow through with the doctor’s recommendation. Yes, this is a real thing referred to as Medical Kidnapping. I was so sick to my stomach while putting myself in those parent’s shoes. How gut-wrenchingly horrible for anyone to go through! I prayed for the family and the other families that came to my attention who had apparently gone through the same thing…

Not long after that I began praying again for God to tell me what was going on with Him. How was He doing? And God asked me if I thought it was possible for Him to feel that same gut-wrenching pain when one of His kids are taken from Him? And I was reminded of the recent denouncements of faith by several somewhat prominent Christians, and also of some personal ones I know who have lost their faith. How much does their walking away, being swept away by this or that, hurt our Father? And I tried to put myself in God’s shoes and I imagined the pain He would feel losing one of His children, the pain that He was feeling about losing these children. It shook me!

My tendency is to analyze and respond to the different reasons why people have chosen to walk away from God. I can even be, dare I admit, judgmental. But in that moment, God allowed me to just feel His love for them. A love that hurts. And I’m honored to have felt that!

Surely we know God is a Good Shepherd. He’ll pursue that one wayward sheep. He’ll be the Loving Father running out to greet His Prodigal Son. I’ll share His plea with my own voice in agreement with Him:

Come back home child! I love you!

Regarding abortion – Don’t push your own morality onto others.

If there’s anything we as a society can agree on, it’s that science can give us an objective, unbiased perspective on different matters in our lives. It cannot, however, tell us what we should or shouldn’t do with its findings. That is up to us.

So regarding abortion, what does science say? Is the fetus a “clump of cells”? Yes actually! It is as much a “clump of cells” as any other living mammal, including you and me. But do we dare to use such reductionist language when referring to each other?

So apart from being a “clump of cells” what can science tell us about a fetus? At conception, a fetus in the womb of a human woman has its own unique human DNA. And from conception the fetus begins to grow rapaidly to form to its own particular human genetic code.

Scientifically speaking, the fetus is quite literally a living human being. So why is there any argument over whether our laws should recognize such human life as a “person” deserving of legal rights?

It’s quite simple really. The side who claims to be more scientifically minded and decries anyone pushing their own morality onto others are the guilty ones. There is no scientific basis for their belief that the unborn in human women’s wombs are not human lives. There is only a moral basis, or rather, an immoral one.

Why should that immorality be thrust on the rest of us? Why should our laws be shaped to fit such personal moral codes? If science can give us so many answers, why are we ignoring the one it is clearly giving us here?

The narrative is the exact opposite of the truth. The ones who are for abortion are the anti-science crowd. The ones who are for abortion are the ones pushing their own morality onto everyone else.

We need to call them out! We need to stand up for the rights of unborn human lives!

Notre Dame Vs The Poor and Needy

Seeing the amount of money given for the rebuilding of Notre Dame does make one wonder what would happen if such people gave similarly to the poor and needy. And I completely understand people being upset at the thought of people giving money to a building instead of to needy people. That surely doesn’t seem very Christlike. But can we take a few steps back and actually consider a few things that may be missed in such an oversimplification of this whole thing?

Is it possible that the people who donated to Notre Dame also donate regularly to the poor?

Do we assume we would surely know if this was the case because all poor people everywhere would no longer be poor? Surely if all the people who chose to donate directed their charity to one poor person that one person would no longer be poor. But that’s why we can’t compare when people donate to one person or cause to when people donate to many poor persons or causes.

The sad reality is, even if everyone who could afford to give did give, it wouldn’t wipe out poverty.

It would definitely help, so we should always be ready to give to those in need. But the amounts given wouldn’t accumulate into a comparably high sum like that of Notre Dame’s rebuilding. So how can we assume that those who donated to Notre Dame don’t also give regularly to the poor and needy?

And can we really have this conversation while failing to recognize why so many people find themselves in poverty and without a home? If we never address the underlying problem, how can we ever truly fix it?

I watched a documentary on Seattle the other day that addressed the homelessness problem and how it was actually a drug problem. Many homeless people themselves professed that they and all who they knew that lived on the streets had substance abuse issues. I would still encourage giving to these people.

What you give is a reflection of who you are and how they use it is a reflection of who they are.

My point in bringing this up is that, unfortunately, people with substance abuse problems will most likely choose to buy more drugs with any money given to them, rather than use it to better their situation and seek the help they need to get off the streets. So even if we love them, feed them, and give them money when God leads us to, they might still choose to let drugs keep them in poverty and without a home.

So does the fact that there are still homeless people prove that people aren’t giving to them?

Lastly, regarding humanitarian aid to impoverished foreign nations and getting clean water to Flint, Michigan …

Is the problem here just a lack of money? Or is it the political leaders in charge of making the decisions?

I could be wrong but I believe money has been donated for such things time and again, but if the respective leaders don’t actually choose to turn that money into what is needed, it does no good. In these cases, the right place to direct righteous anger is on the ones who can make the decisions that need to be made but are refusing to. It should not be directed at those we assume only donated to Notre Dame but not any other cause or people.

I’ve found that people who give are givers. Generosity isn’t a switch that they can just turn off.

But what of those who are pointing their fingers at the generous people who gave to the rebuilding of Notre Dame? I pray that they refuse to be like Judas, who complained about the woman who poured out her own expensive perfume on Jesus’ feet, saying how it could have been sold and the proceeds given to the poor instead. He didn’t actually care about the poor. He was a thief who wanted the proceeds for himself and ended up selling out Jesus for 30 pieces of silver immediately after this woman’s did this, according the Gospels.

May those who are so quick to judge the Notre Dame donors hear the words Jesus spoke:

“Why are you bothering the woman? She has done a good thing to Me. For you always have the poor with you; but you will not always have Me. When she poured this perfume on My body, she did it to prepare Me for burial. I assure you and most solemnly say to you, wherever this gospel [of salvation] is preached in the whole world, what this woman has done will also be told in memory of her [for her act of love and devotion].” – Matthew 26:10-13 (AMP)

Most Racist & Violent Cities Voted for Hillary

This meme has been floating around social media and it made me laugh –

But then it got me thinking… Which cities have the highest crime rates and which candidate won their votes?

I found an article which ranked the Top 30 Most Dangerous Cities based on the number of violent crimes committed per year.

Here is how each city voted:

Interesting. Hillary Clinton won not just the Top 10, but the Top 20, and most she won by a pretty large margin.

Out of the 30 Donald Trump only won 2 and not by such a devastating percentage.

This certainly does not prove that everyone who supported Hillary is a liar and a criminal. However, it is a bit shocking.

But how about the most racist cities in the country? Surely we should see those cities voting overwhelmingly for Donald Trump, right? Wrong!

Below is a chart showing the Top 10 Most Racist Cities ranked by Hate Crimes reported per year:

Of the top 10 cities deemed most racist, only 1 city voted for Trump, and it went to him by the lowest percentage (49.1%).

What does this prove? That Hillary’s supporters are racist and violent?

No, not necessarily.

But it should give pause to the propaganda that Trump’s supporters are the ones prone to racism and violence.

He didn’t win the majority of these cities known for that kind of behavior, Hillary did.

 

 

No Liberals, You Are Not The Authority On Love

About a year ago I had an extremely vivid nightmare. It’s the kind you don’t forget. I wrote it down because I knew I would want to share it but didn’t know when would be the right time. Now is just that.

I dreamt there was a mob of people who kidnapped a bunch of infants. I was in the car with one of my friends and we were driving down an open road when we came upon a more ancient looking road, like that of old Rome, with rows of modern looking concrete pillars, immense in size, on each side of the road.

Painted on each pillar was a large heart shape. Half of the hearts on each pillar were a dingy red color. The other half looked freshly painted with what could only be blood. I looked at my friend in horror as she asked, “You don’t think this could be …” “Yes” I said. “This is what has become of those babies!”

Out of nowhere a man confronted the mob of people, but he was terribly outnumbered. The mob screamed at him and started attacking him. One of them came up behind him and bit his neck, ripping out his flesh.

This is where I woke up…

How many liberals claim to be all about love? They’ve created and regurgitated the catch phrases “Love is love” and “No H8”. They’ve spread these sayings through all kinds of art and media. They try so hard to sound loving and to look loving. But their masterpiece is just heart shapes on pillars painted with the blood of unborn babies.

Are we really supposed to believe the political ideology whose hands are stained with the blood of 50 million human beings is the loving side? No! Liberals have no right to even speak about love. They have so twisted and adulterated that word that I’m surprised it doesn’t get stuck in their throat every time they speak it.

I know. This is harsh. But unlike the pseudo-love liberals speak of, REAL Love defends the Truth. One of the most overlooked portion of the love passage in 1 Corinthians 13 (which, wouldn’t you know it, happens to be Hillary Clinton’s professed favorite scripture) is this line:

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

Do you celebrate the 50 million lives lost due to abortion? Then love is not in you! Do you deny the truth that the unborn are living human beings? Then you know not love!

You know, for the ideology who treats science as “god” liberals seem to have no problem abandoning it with passion when it comes to the subject of abortion. Yes, the unborn of human beings are human beings themselves. Do humans create any other species in the womb? Science says no! Yes, these unborn human beings are living or else what is abortion stopping? Science has spoken! Will the liberals listen?

So what do we call ending the life of another human being without just cause – such as self-defense? Oh yeah, that is called murder. There is just no justification for this America! Murder is not loving. Not ever!

God is a just God. He will judge those with blood on their hands. He must. It is the loving thing for Him to do.

Can you imagine if there was a serial killer on trial for savagely murdering 50 infants and the judge ruled to grant him an acquittal because the judge loved the serial killer? The outrage would be overwhelming. Would anyone actually think this judge was a loving judge? No! Why? Because it is not loving to ignore the lives lost and deny them justice.

Do we expect such injustice from a loving God? God is love, therefore He must judge. How can He not hold responsible those who have championed over 50 million deaths? Their blood cries out to Him. And it doesn’t cry out heart shapes. It cries out for justice.

Will you repent? Will you surrender to the actual authority on Love – Jesus Christ? Are you willing to see what True Love looks like in Him?

Love is God sending His Son into our world to acquaint Himself with our sufferings and ultimately die on the cross for our sins. God judged our sins in the body of Jesus because He doesn’t want to judge you or me but our sins must be judged.

Will you accept Jesus’ sacrifice for your sins? Or will you remain blind and continue believing your own lie about how loving you are?

I pray you see the Truth in Love. Because if you are not seeing Truth, you are not seeing Love.

The Secret or The Secret Language?

You’ve heard of The Secret right? It’s not all that hush, hush anymore. The basic premise is that there is this certain law of the universe, like gravity, that is referred to as the “Law of Attraction.” It basically means that whatever you think, feel or believe you attract to yourself. If you think you’re incompetent and will never achieve anything, chances are you won’t. On the other hand if you think you are smart and successful, you will most likely achieve some success. This is just the main example. However The Secret also goes so far as to say you can “send out energy” to the universe to get your dream car, house, spouse … you get the idea.

Well that doesn’t sound all that bad to me. I mean, there is power in what you think about yourself. If you think you can’t achieve something you probably won’t even try and if you don’t try you can never succeed. But if you think you can you will keep trying until you are bound to see success in at least one area. That seems a little more like “common sense” than “secret” but who knows anymore in this world. It’s the second premise that bothers me. Someone get me my “energy blow horn” so I can call out to “the universe” and make all my dreams come true!

Hmmmm … I got to thinking about what Christ would say about all of this. Christ does want me to have an abundant life and I know He loves to bless me. But  should I be calling out to the “universe” or even God Himself to get what I want?  I was reminded of this passage of Scripture:

“Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.  And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.  And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:26-28

I’ve heard many people quote that last verse “All things work together for good to them that love God …” but the quote trails off at the end and we don’t get the basis of why Paul was saying this. So who has “ALL THINGS” work together for good in their life? Those who 1) Love God & 2) Are called according to His purpose. It is easy to love God when we realize how much He loves us. (1 John 4:19) And being called according to His purpose goes back to what Paul was saying at the beginning of his letter to the Roman church.

He starts by saying that we are weak and don’t know how or what to pray for. Who wants to argue with that? ME! I would like to think I know what to pray for. I can ask for things from God all day long. Here is my list God! But I guess I am missing the mark there on really knowing how to pray. God doesn’t just desire to get your list of things you want! He wants an actual relationship with you! Like how you would talk to your friend.

The Truth is I am actually missing my mark on both issues. I don’t always go to Christ in prayer as I would a friend and I don’t REALLY know what I should ask for in prayer. Does anyone really? We may know what we want but we don’t always know what we need.

In order to enjoy any blessing we receive we need to have some responsibility along with it. I heard about a story that was on reality TV where this homeless man was given a car, a house and a job to get back on his feet. It was a dream come true for him. But it turned out to be a nightmare. He lost the car, the house, the job and was further in debt than he had ever been. He came out worse on the other side of his “blessing” … Why? He didn’t know how to handle all of that wealth. I mean, his house was paid for and he took out a Home Equity Line of Credit on it! Ahhh! Sad as it is to say, he ended up living on the streets in the first place for a reason. He wasn’t responsible with his money. He never learned how to have a proper relationship with it. So when it was thrown back into his life after so long without it, he maybe started out okay but he went back into those bad habits.

This story should speak to our lives as well. I have heard people say, “If I just had this much money, I would be able to pay off these debts and live well.” And then I see them get money and their debts aren’t paid. They, like the story, usually get further into debt! Money isn’t the answer to their problem, learning to be responsible with their money is! But they probably wouldn’t think to pray for that. Who would want to? It’s like asking God for patience! Ha! But that is the real thing that they should be praying for.

Okay, let’s look at a non-monetary example. The lonely man wants a partner to make him whole. Let’s assume he uses “The Secret” and calls his dream girl to him. He is still not fulfilled. He cheats on his wife. He loses the woman he loves. We see this actually quite a bit with celebrities: Jesse James, Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen. They have all had beautiful wives and yet they had some insatiable desire for more and tore their families apart. So what is the real issue? They were looking for someone else to  fulfill an area that only Christ was meant to fulfill. These poor wives could never with all their beauty be able to satisfy their husbands. It was because their husbands were incomplete. Unfortunately, even Christians do this. Infidelity is no stranger to the church. So what should these people really pray for? A stronger relationship with God, and to be shown how much Jesus loves them. Personally, that is something I could see myself praying for. But in actuality, I did pray for my soul mate before I realized I should be praying for a deeper relationship with God.

There are other circumstances you can apply this to but these seem to be the main ones. So can we agree that maybe we don’t always know what we should pray for? We think we do but we are usually missing some key aspect that is needed in order for us to be able to enjoy the blessing we receive. We keep praying for the things we want and get mad because God isn’t giving them to us when in reality by Him not giving them to us He is actually protecting us from the circumstances mentioned above, and more! It is a love that parents can understand.

So then, what should we pray for if we don’t know what we need? Let’s look back at what the scripture says …

“Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.“

What does he mean when he says that the spirit makes intercession for us? The Holy Spirit living in me prays to God the Father on my behalf. He does this by speaking in tongues. I don’t understand what is being said, my lips just pour forth what is being put inside my heart. It is a Secret to my mind what is being said; it is a Secret Language between my spirit and God’s Spirit! I don’t know about you but I don’t like not knowing what I am pleading with God for. Especially if it’s patience! Haha! But look what it says next: 

“And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.”

That is awesome. God knows the desires of our hearts, and He also knows the mind of His spirit. So He is able to translate those tongues into a Heavenly language to plead for our desires in line with the will of God. Wow! This means that the person in debt will be praying for financial blessing along with the ability to handle it properly. The single person is praying for a soul mate and also praying for their relationship with God and finding fulfillment there.

The best part about praying in tongues is that you know that you are always praying “in the will of God.” You are continually calling yourself “according to HIS purpose!” Finally, there’s the end of that verse:

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

So it is actually kind of a Secret … because you don’t know what you are praying for when you pray in tongues but you can rest assured that whatever you are praying God is going to work it all together for your good!

 

Depression & Spiritual Warfare

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven … [There is] a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 4)

But what if it’s time to laugh and we are still crying but we don’t know why? What if it’s time to dance and we are still mourning but there is nothing to be mournful about?

The psychiatric term of depression is defined as “a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.” Clinical Depression is deemed “a depression so severe as to be considered abnormal, either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because the reaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense or prolonged than would generally be expected.”

So what is the cause? Is it just chemical imbalances in the brain? We feel weighed down and heavy. Is that not spiritual oppression? We feel like a dark cloud is hanging over our heads, like we are trapped in darkness. Is it not the ruler of the darkness of this world that we are battling here? “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” (Ephesians 6:12)

Dictionary.com defines the verb “depress” as follows:

1. to make sad or gloomy; lower in spirits; deject; dispirit.

2. to lower in force, vigor, activity, etc.; weaken; make dull.

3. to lower in amount or value.

4. to put into a lower position:

5. to press down.

If our spirit is being lowered wouldn’t we call that “Spiritual Oppression”? Now certainly we can be sad or gloomy for legitimate reasons. We can experience grief and sorrow over things beyond our control and, as stated above, there is a time for that. But who would want us perpetually trapped in a cycle of feeling worthless, weak, dejected and dispirited? The enemy! The one who hates God and hates us because we are made in His Image! The one who wants to destroy us and will do so in whatever crafty, deceitful way he can.

We all will experience demonic oppression at some point in our lives. But God has promised to never leave or forsake us. (Deuteronomy 31:8) He is with us through it all and He has given us the weapons to fight it – not physical weapons, spiritual ones! The kind of weapons that the Bible calls “mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds.” (2 Corinthians 10:4)

What if we took authority over depression by “casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ”? (2 Corinthians 10:5)

The Bible tells us to “Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.” (Epeshians 6:11) The word “wiles” here is translated elsewhere as “to lie and wait.” It refers to the strategies and tactics used in a war but the imagery that comes to my head is like a cat that is crouching down, waiting to pounce on it’s prey. “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)

So what if we were to put on the full armor of God everyday?

What if we proudly wore “The Belt of Truth”, which is simply knowing that Jesus Christ IS The Way, The Truth, & The Life and that no one goes to the Father except through Him? (John 14:6) And what if we believed Him when He said that we shall know The Truth and The Truth shall set us Free! (John 8:32) True Freedom – even from depression – comes by simply standing in the person who is Truth: Jesus Christ!

What if we took the time to put on “The Breastplate of Righteousness”, which is simply knowing that we are righteous, not because of anything we have done but because of what Christ has done for us? He became “sin” not by sinning Himself but by taking on our sins. In the same manner we have become righteous not by doing righteous deeds but by accepting His Righteousness! (2 Corinthians 5:21) We may not deserve to be relieved of our oppression, but Jesus took all of the bad we deserved so that He could freely give us all the good that He deserves. Receive it!

What if we carefully secured over our minds “The Helmet of Salvation”, which is simply knowing that if we have confessed with our mouths that Jesus Christ is Lord and believe in our hearts that God raised Him from the dead we will be saved? (Romans 10:9) And the salvation He has purchased for us is not just for our souls but for our minds and bodies as well! It comes from the Greek word “Sozo” which includes delivering from diseases!

What if we shod our feet with “The Gospel of Peace”, which is simply knowing that God came down from Heaven to reconcile us to Him, to give us His Peace that passes all understanding. (John 14:27 & Philippians 4:7) His perfect Love for us casts out any fear of judgment for our sins. (1 John 4:18) Our sins have already been judged in the body of Jesus Christ on the cross. God cannot justly punish us for them. The punishment that brought us peace was placed on Jesus and by His Stripes we are healed! (1 Peter 2:24)

What if we defeated every fiery dart of the enemy by always carrying with us “The Shield of Faith”, which is simply hearing the Word of God, and silencing the voice of the enemy? (Romans 10:17) Again, we must take every thought captive into the obedience of Christ. Our identity is found in Him, not the world!

What if we used “The Sword of the Spirit” as our weapon, which is simply reading, hearing and speaking God’s Word? That’s how Jesus responded to the devil when He was tempted in the wilderness. (Matthew 4) He showed us how it’s done. He understands our trials. (Hebrews 4:14-16) He will give us His Power to do it! His power is made perfect in our weaknesses. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

What if we “Prayed in the Spirit”, which means letting the Holy Spirit intercede on our behalf by praying through us, in tongues, the words we wouldn’t think to pray ourselves? “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:26-28)

What if we did more than just take pills? What if we took down pillars? The pillars that support the thoughts that are contrary to the Word of God need to be cast down. You know, the ones that say we are worthless? We aren’t! We are worth dying for! Jesus did! He loves us so much that He left Heaven for just that purpose. He wanted us to be reconciled to Him that badly!

Suffering from depression, or demonic oppression, does not mean that we aren’t really saved or that we have little or no faith. But that is exactly the lie that satan would like us to believe when we are experiencing it. That is what the Bible calls condemnation. “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1)

Be encouraged. Stand firm in the armor of God. Rest in what He has already done for us.

“Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints.” Ephesians 6:10-18

My Near-Death Birth Experience

Yes. I almost died giving birth. But why? How did I go from planning a natural unassisted home birth to bleeding to death after a c-section? I’d have to go back way before my labor began, back to the point of conception. Well, fast forward just a little bit.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was happy but scared that I still wasn’t ready. I remember telling God that if He thought I was ready then I would welcome a baby. Then Bam! Pregnant! But I still had some fears.

Two years earlier I had suffered a miscarriage. It was the worst thing to happen to me. It tested my faith. It brought me closer to God. You can read about my journey to healing in “Untimely”.

Needless to say when I found out I had conceived again I worried that things could end the same way. After you fail to carry one child to term you fear that you won’t be able to carry any to term.

Unfortunately I spent too much of my pregnancy trying not to lose my baby but haunted by the possibility. Not enough time was spent preparing for birth and the postpartum period. I avoided it. I didn’t want to prepare for birth and a baby just to be disappointed. Been there. Done that. It hurt too deeply. So if I could just put off planning for as long as possible I could save myself unnecessary grief if things turned sour.

I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until I was about 5 months along. Only my husband knew. I wasn’t about to announce it to the world like last time until we were well past the first trimester. It was winter and I wore big jackets to hide my belly.

I didn’t go to doctors appointments. I wasn’t planning to have my baby at a hospital. Unassisted Childbirth – Unassisted Prenatal Care.

I had a fairly healthy pregnancy. I took my prenatal vitamins, tracked my weight, took my blood pressure and even had some urine test strips to check for any possible complications. I did have some pretty swollen feet and gained a little more weight than I would have liked but other than that, I really had nothing to worry about. I also began drinking Pregnancy Tea with Red Raspberry Leaf in it during my Third Trimester.

My mother, an ER Technician, did talk me into an ultrasound around 20 weeks. It was reassuring to hear my baby’s heartbeat. But we were unable to ascertain the gender, which was fine with me because I wanted it to be a surprise anyway.

I did prepare for birth. I watched a couple birthing films. I read a few birthing books and articles. I got some birthing supplies. But I never fully dealt with my fears.

I remember thinking that having a birth without fear meant ignoring your fears. I thought to plan for some things meant I would be “worrying” about them. So it would be better just to deal with whatever comes as it comes. I know now that planning does not equal worrying, and that all my fears needed to be introduced one by one to my Faith.

Yes, I did have Faith in God for my birth. But it was a struggle. I mean, God allowed me to have a miscarriage before He could allow me to have one again. Or allow some other bad thing to happen to me. He could! And I could go through a similar process of being upset, then allowing Him to heal me, then letting Him use my story for His Glory. He is able to do that with my life.

But was that what He wanted? Was I trusting in His Goodness? Was I combatting my fears with Faith? In hindsight I see it was not as much as I should have.

In one of my exchanges with God I pleaded with Him for a vision of my baby. I asked Him why He would give the people of the Bible visions or prophesies of their pregnancies but not me. Am I not as loved or important as they?

Well, one night when I was pretty far along I had a very vivid dream. In my dream I was looking at my baby in an ultrasound type machine. But it was more like the one from Man of Steel. Yes, I had just seen the movie.

During my pregnancy many people thought I might be carrying twins because of how big my belly was. I thought that was also a possibility or that there was just one baby lying sideways. Well, in my dream I saw one baby in a transverse lie. I remember being surprised by dark hair but I never did check for the sex.

After the ultrasound, still in my dream, I began talking to my husband about the baby referring to it as a him. He corrected me and said it was a girl. And then I woke up.

I wasn’t sure then if the dream was really a vision of my baby or it was perhaps some weird dream where I imagined what it would be like to be pregnant with my step daughter. She has dark hair and my husband and I were both convinced we were having a boy. Haha!

Regardless I did look into babies lying sideways because that is a problem in childbirth. There is a website called Spinning Babies that provides exercises and positions for mothers to do to get their babies head down and prepared for birth. Unfortunately I put off doing these for fear that I would cause premature labor and harm the baby. Fear again got the best of me. I did end up doing one exercise very close to my due date. By then it was too little too late…

At about 3 in the morning on July 29th 2013 my water breaks! It’s my best friend’s birthday! I might have my baby today! But contractions don’t follow.

I am excited but worried. I wanted contractions first then water broken. I had read that infection is possible when water breaks and baby doesn’t come out quickly. I feel like I am given a countdown to give birth. But still no contractions and I am slowly draining amniotic fluid.

After some time passes I wake up my husband and get something to eat just in case my labor is long. I also make sure to drink water.

I try getting on an elliptical to see if the walking motion would trigger contractions. No such luck. So I relax on an exercise ball and watch some TV with my husband while we wait. I probably should have tried to get more rest but I was much too alert at the time to even try.

I do wish I would have prayed more or had worship music on though. I just felt so unprepared. I thought I might make it passed 40 weeks but here I was just shy of 39.

I had really hoped my birth wouldn’t be painful. I prayed for it. But in that moment I did want some type of pain as a sign to know things were coming along. Then BAM! Something! Not too strong! If that was a contraction then I got this covered! Haha!

But my contractions were so irregular. They continue to the next day. Some strong, some weak. I am able to sleep here and there.

My mother comes over with a doula. She helps me try different positions to move the labor along. They remind me to breathe. I roll my eyes into the back of my head and bear with the pain, which did get much more intense. I remember being told to drink more water and I try but I just can’t keep it down.

About 40 hours after my water broke, on 7/30/13, I have not progressed contraction wise. They were too irregular and it seemed I was becoming dehydrated. The doula recommends I go to the hospital.

I remember asking my husband if I should go or not. I really didn’t want to give birth there. I wanted to avoid any unnecessary interventions. I wanted the home birth experience I imagined. But since we were both tired and it was recommended we went.

It is a hellish ordeal being in a waiting room while having contractions, which seemed to get worse the more worried I became. The nurse who I check in with is very rude and condescending. She couldn’t understand why I would try home birth. I couldn’t understand why she would be so mean to a woman having contractions. Thank God my mom who works at the hospital is with me. She handles all the snobbery like a boss! Haha!

I am literally too tired to care anymore. I need sleep. And apparently fluid. I *was* dehydrated. And once I finally get my room I am hooked up to fluids and the dreaded baby heart monitor.

I didn’t want to be tied to a bed during labor. I wanted to be able to walk, stand or squat uninhibited. But alas that did not happen.

I don’t have a clear understanding of the times since I was in and out of sleep so I can’t say how much time passes before one of the nurses mentions pitocin. I decline saying that I already had oxytocin. She says it is the same thing and I tell her no that pitocin is synthetic. She looks at me condescendingly. Some nurses really have that look down.

Another period of time goes by and then my first doctor comes in to check me. Owww! That hurts way more than contractions!!! He said I was 7 centimeters dilated. Yay! Only three more to go, I thought. That’s not too bad.

I am checked again some time later by another doctor with the same results and he recommends pitocin or a c-section. I decline both. He says he can’t force me to do anything I don’t want to do! I’m thinking “Of course you can’t.” I never was a sucker for peer pressure.

I ask to be free from the monitoring that confined me to the bed to see if I could help my labor progress. I was permitted to do so but quickly told they needed to put the monitor back on. Ugh! This is why they say to labor at home for as long as possible even if you want a hospital birth.

My contractions are still irregular. I have a few more here and there but I am able to sleep between some too. I’m grateful for my mother who holds my hand and reminds me to relax and breathe. And for my husband who encourages me to stay strong.

The doctor comes in again. Another check. Dear God those are ridiculously painful! 9 centimeters dilated and his shift was almost over. I feel accomplished. Only one more centimeter to go and I’ll get to push my baby out!

I remember trying to push during a couple contractions to see if I could help hurry things along. But by the time the next doctor comes in and does another painful check he says I am only 7 centimeters dilated and that my baby’s head is not descending into the birth canal – he says station +2 I believe.

(I have since looked back on my records to see that my first check the doctor estimated the baby to be at a – 1 station, which is farther down. So I don’t know if my baby was going up and down during the birth process? Maybe that is normal? I now believe that these checks can be detrimental or just incorrect and are not really necessary. But in that moment, not knowing any better …)

My hopes are crushed. Maybe there is something wrong with my body or the baby is positioned incorrectly and I just can’t give birth vaginally? He recommends pitocin or a c-section. I discuss with my husband and mother because by this time I am extremely tired. I had gone through 50+ hours of labor. I just wanted the baby out so I could get some sleep!

I decide against pitocin since I had heard it can cause fetal distress. It is what led to my sister needing an emergency c-section. My nephew’s heart rate dropped shortly after pitocin was introduced.

I didn’t want to harm my baby in any way. And I wasn’t sure that trying to make my contractions stronger would make my baby’s head come down or just cause me to be in even more pain to no avail. I opt for the c-section.

Nurses come in to shave me. I have strong contractions while they are there. I’m taken to the operating room. I don’t know where my husband and mother are. (They must have been getting suited up.)

I hear the anesthesiologist talking with what sounds to be a student. I have another contraction. I remember being extremely annoyed at their conversation. The anesthesiologist tells me to be still because he is going to inject a needle into my back. Can’t you wait until my contraction passes? It is so strong and so hard to be still during it. Someone there offers me their hand. I accept it. Thank you whoever you were. I really needed that hand!

Once the anesthesia kicks in I fall asleep.

I hear my baby cry. It doesn’t sound like the normal “Wahwahwah!” to me. It sounds like “Mamamamom!” I see that my husband is now by my side. I ask him if it’s a girl or a boy. “It’s a girl!” I remember thinking “That’s great. Now can I go back to sleep?”

My husband is given our baby. I look at her. She is beautiful but I’m too tired to feel any emotion. Someone takes a picture of us for us. I smile. I fall asleep.

I wake up. It’s freezing! Where is my husband? Where is my mother? Why did they leave me all alone? I’d like to know what’s going on. Can’t they see my arms shaking? Why won’t anyone cover them?

I fall back asleep.

I wake up seeing my doctor with a worried look on his face. He looks sad. I feel bad for him. He is having to make a tough decision. Poor guy. I wonder “Am I going to meet Jesus today?”

I fall back asleep.

I hear different things. I don’t know if I’m dreaming. Are they saying they left something in me? Or am I just dreaming this up because I know something is wrong? Where is my husband? Can’t they talk to me to let me know what’s going on? But my eyes are closed. They probably think I’m sleeping. Maybe I’m just in the in between stage of dreaming and being awake and I’m mixing up realities.

I fall back into deep sleep.

I’m told to cough. My throat feels sore. What happened?

I fall back to sleep.

I wake up sometime later in my room and actually hold my daughter for the first time. She sleeps on my chest. Her hair does look dark just like in the dream.

My sister asks me what her name is. I look at my husband. We hadn’t fully agreed on a girl’s name. Again, we thought we were having a boy. He tells me he was waiting to tell everyone until I woke up. He lets me give her the middle name I wanted since I apparently almost died for it.

“Erowyn Majesty”. 8lbs 2oz. 21 1/2 inches long. Born on 7/31/13, her uncle’s birthday, my mother’s firstborn.

I’m told I almost died and that a bunch of people had been praying for me. I have a much nicer experience with the hospital nurses in recovery. Really, they were amazing!

So, what really happened to me? Here’s what I was told:

Sometime after my c-section I would not stop bleeding. The doctor had to take me back into surgery to cut me open again! He said my blood was pouring out on the floor like a faucet that wouldn’t turn off. I lost 2 liters (think soda bottle), which was more than a third but not quite half of my blood.

I remembered later how I was asked when I first came in if I would accept blood if needed. I looked at my husband not knowing how I should answer. I had never thought I would need it. Was there any reason to say no? He says yes to the blood so I agree. It’s crazy to think that if I declined for whatever reason I would not have survived.

Thank you to all who donate blood! I’m alive because of you. And also to all who prayed for my survival. I’m alive because of you as well.

The doctor told me that he thought he was going to have to give my husband and mother bad news. I wonder if that was the face I saw when I woke up and thought I might meet Jesus.

He said that he was almost unable to save my uterus. A Bakri Balloon was used but didn’t work in the normal way so the doctor had to try a method he had never done before. He said he wanted to quit after having worked on me. I’m sure it was very traumatic for him. I’m forever grateful for his part in keeping me alive and my uterus intact.

I have since requested my medical records and I found that I did suffer from Anemia, Uterine Atony and DIC. DIC is a blood clotting disorder that stands for Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation and is colloquially referred to as “Death Is Coming!” When my cousin who is in nursing school was told that was on my chart she said that a nurse she spoke with only saw one person survive when diagnosed with DIC. My cousin wondered if that was me.

I have looked up the disease and it has various rates of mortality depending mostly on what causes it. When it occurs through major medical trauma it increases the mortality rate by 50%. I believe my chances of survival were indeed very slim, which is why my doctor was so traumatized he wanted to quit. The odds were definitely not in my favor! But who needs the Favor of Odds when you have the Favor of God? And that I did! Thanks again for the prayers everyone!

My medical records confirmed that nothing was left inside me from surgery. My imagination apparently ran wild in my dream state. The problem was mainly Uterine Atony which means my uterus would not contract to control the blood loss. I read that this can happen with long labors, when babies are big (although I don’t consider 8 lbs that big), and also when pitocin is administered.

Yes, they did give me pitocin during my c-section, despite denying it several times during labor. I’ve since learned that this is the normal process to help get the placenta out from a c-section via controlled cord traction. However, in my records it states that my placenta was removed “manually”, not by cord traction, and manual removal can also cause excessive bleeding.

I wouldn’t want to blame my doctor for anything. He did save my life and uterus. I’m sure he did everything by the book. It’s the book I take issue with.

Maybe I would have kept bleeding anyways due to my long labor? Maybe my baby was “big” enough to cause excessive bleeding after cesarean?

I wish I knew what exactly caused my “near death experience.” Still I would have preferred no pitocin and a gentler removal of my placenta. But then again, I would have preferred to avoid the c-section in the first place.

I later heard my husband’s tale and my birth story would not be complete without sharing it. After my c-section the doctor told my husband that I was bleeding out and the Bakri Balloon he placed in my uterus was not working. The doctor informed him that another surgery was necessary to determine where the bleeding was coming from and also to reposition the balloon. If the bleeding still continued he had only one other option before needing to completely remove my uterus to save my life.

After about an hour with no update on my condition my husband snuck his way into the operating area where he found surgical room attire. He dressed in the hallway and searched for the operating room they had me in. Upon entering they asked him who he was and he told them “I’m her husband. I need to be with my wife!” At that time they told him they had already removed my uterus so he thought I might not make it. They escorted him out and he made sure to send out a prayer chain for me. (He was later questioned by the doctor as to how he obtained access to a secure area because his “McGyver-ish” stunt was a security issue. Haha!)

The reason my husband snuck his way to me was that he wanted to be there if I did die so he could pull a Smith Wigglesworth on my body to bring me back to life. If you’re unfamiliar with his story it was reported that Wigglesworth raised his wife from the dead several times, along with many others. Thank God my husband didn’t have to go that far, but the fact that he would makes me feel special. I still think this is one of the most romantic things he has ever done for me. That and getting everyone to pray for me. He is such a blessing!

I was lucky enough to be asleep for most of the trauma of Erowyn’s birth. My family and friends got the worst of it. Sorry guys! I did, unfortunately, have panic attacks after bringing my daughter home and the stress of being a new mom kicked in. I had to deal with a major change in my life and somehow find peace with God allowing me to almost die.

It was scary. I was paralyzed with fear at times. Was I really that close to death? How could God do that to me? Just to bring people together to pray for me? Am I really that dispensable?

It is sobering when you realize just how short life can be. But again, I was letting fear get the best of me. It was a struggle for the first few weeks to fight that fear. And I really believe that the enemy was attacking me and my family. I honestly cannot overemphasize how grateful I am for everyone who prayed for me during this time!

I want to say I know why God allowed me to have this experience but I don’t know why yet. I will wait for Him to fully reveal it to me. I could beat myself up about things I could have or should have done differently but I can’t help but think that maybe God would have allowed it to happen even if I did everything “right”?

One thing this experience has taught me is that not accepting help from others is sometimes prideful, and that I need people more than I realize. Most importantly I learned that fears need to be conquered with Faith, not ignore-ance.

I hope to have a healing birth next time around and a much nicer story to tell. I just wanted to share this one so that God could use it as He sees fit.

Thanks for reading!